In a recent meditation I had the privilege of perceiving myself as a tendril in the aliveness of the universe. Inside of that, I also recognized how much of my energy goes into managing the experience of my unrelenting aliveness. One minute I am present as pain; in another, pleasure. I often attempt to consciously control the nature of my being, yet these attempts seem only to keep me busy, and perhaps to enhancing my suffering. I can choose certain paths and actions, but even these apparently volitional practices come from deeper drives and desires that I observe and participate in more than direct. My parents used to tell me to find my intrinsic motivation: It’s a never-ending exploration that holds more meaning for me in the light of self-observation than it ever did in approaching schoolwork. The other day I bought a sticker that says “Don’t just do something, sit there!” I take home that in observing myself I can discern the deeper truth of my being, and in practicing such discernment the coordination of my intentions and actions will always be more vital. When we face our inner realities, I think, we can heal the deepest of wounds, whether at the level of movement patterning or life patterning (and they’re the same). This doesn’t mean we’ll be comfortable—life often isn’t—but I find that the deeper I go down the rabbit hole, the more grateful I am to be alive.
Of course I can’t prove any of this highly subjective stuff, but I see it like the light of day. And, I’m intrinsically drawn to share it.